What the fuck has my life come to..

So,
I attempted to date.. :/
He shows up 30mins late in a tracksuit -_-

Chats up the girl taking our order, then goes on to tell me he was chatting her up  incase I didn't know..

Oh and at one point he called me a dick?! I think it was when he was telling me about how he'd slept with 3 people in 24 hours...
oh and there was something about a cow he reared that wouldn't eat so choked on solids and they had to step on it's belly and then went on to make noises in the middle of Nando's in case I didn't know what sound a cow made....

oh and did I mention he didn't even pay for me..? He just ordered his food chatted up the girl and walked back to the table.. :/

I don't have a clue how someone could act like that..I pulled the old "oh no my friends have an emergency I need to go..." trick lol

Hope everybody else is ok & doesn't have to deal with shit like this..
I've lost about a stone again, don't know why I allow myself to get this huge..

Back in size 12/14..down to working about 65 hours a week and having no time to eat...? Even though I work at a chinese restaurant! *High5 to me*

x♡♥x

Its hard

I fasted for a total of 66hours drank soo much water and have lost 1.6lbs :) I know I could've lost more but I weighed after I ate instead of before, mainly because my scales are messed up and keep messing with me saying 160lbs 165lbs until it finally showed me 170lbs like 10 times yesterday...
Aghh its hard my boyfriend is like why aren't you eating?
I said I ate at work and hes obviously shocked Im handling 5mins without stuffing my face he says hes worried...?
Like how am I supposed to do this if I cant even last 3days without someone forcing me to eat....

And I still haven't started my course and im still fat and im so annoyed I said I wouldn't allow myself and look at me now fat face chest belly bums & legs I hate it all .

I did buy my B6 & B12 though they are the only thing keeping me awake I want to sleep but instead im gonna do pilates and jumping jacks and crunches until 10pm so I can shower and hide my exercise evidence before the boyfriend gets home @ 11pm.

I was reading blogs I followed before and so much has changed most of you are gone some have sadly passed...but the ones that are still here and still going you are my motivation everyday and I will get down to my GW. No matter what.

Im back

I dont know if anyone is still out there, im sorry I left.
Its been so long oh so long and yet shes back mia is back.
So much has changed I didn't think of her at all. Until today I want this fat gone! Im currently 170lbs ohh I feel sick just typing it thats just not what I expected...
I feel so sick I haven't eaten all day its come back so quick ive spent hours looking at thinspo I dont ever want to eat again...
My goal weight is 130lbs perfect weight 100lbs... it starts today.

Reading through my last posts make me cry but i need it it reminds me of hoq much I wanted it then and somehow old me has become an inspiration...

I missed you...♥

Heyy ya'lll

Like omg i have no posted in so long im so sorry XD my life is sooooo busy

We have so much to catch up on

1)ive lost 5lbs :/ not because ive tried bt because im so busy i dnt really eat

2)theres no boy anymore :'( yes we tried again and yes he let me down again...he started been really mean and patronising and started talking to me like i was a twat...the worst thing was "i think yu need to start going gym again..."
C*&T!! aghh hes stressd me out but now that hes not around i can get bk on track :)

3)im back in contact with my best friend!! :)
Basically we stopped talking about 3years ago bcs of some sillyness but she ws my beat friend from wen we ws 11...she got back in contact with me and im so happy like i dnt need a bf right now shes the funniest person alive and i love her to bits BUT shes a size 6 (uk) like seriously im the fat friend :( i hate it so i need to do something about this lool its hard bcs shes tryna put on weight and im tryna lose...like really?! Lool but its kool we're gna meet half way 8st and a half :)

3) uni is foooookiiinnn hard !! Lool ive got so much work to do i gt 2 reports due in 2nd dec aghhh its too much stress like reli this is my week
Monday-friday: uni 9-5
2evenings: work 6-10pm
Sundays: work 9am-9:30pm
And then i try to go gym as much as possible and see my friends and family....i swear to god there isnt one day i cn sleep past 7am

But yu knw what im hoping to loose more weight
Im having "that time of the month" at the moment so i feel like shit

4) this is prob the worst for me
I miss sex!!! Looool
I havnt had any in like a month i swear i miss havin a bf :( life wudnt b as bad if i was still gtin some action bt theres a drought going on looooool

Anyway girlies i hope yur all doing much better than me
Love you all x

Back On Track!! :)

Right so got my new laptop im not gonna be on my phone anymore so i can do actual posts.
i will post daily-ish lol

 i have a plan to get skinny again im upset that i cant seem to stick to my restricting im like doing good all day.. get home and eat like a starved child.

my motivation has more than gone its vanished, left, deserted to say the least because of uni my priorities are all over the place :(

im going gym monday-wednesday-friday but the boy goes with me (following..literally) and after about an hour and a half he wants to leave..i swear i could live there...

anyway because my restricting to max 1000calories my body keeps flactuating (if thats the word..im tired)

so i have a new plan i literally just saw this on some website so im copying (cat) and going to give it a go

Day1:1000cal                                      Day2:400cal                  Day3: 300cal
Day4:400cal                                        Day5: 500cal                 Day6: 450cal
Day7: 650cal                                       Day8: 650cal                 Day9:400cal
Day10: 300ca                                      Day11:400cal                Day12: 500cal
Day13: 450cal                                     Day14: 650cal               Day15:700cal
Day16: 400cal                                     Day17: 300cal               Day18:400cal
Day19: 450cal                                     Day20: 500cal               Day21: 650cal
Day22: 700cal                                     Day23: 400cal               Day24: 300cal
Day25: 450cal                                     Day26: 500cal               Day27:450cal
Day28: 650cal                                     Day29: 700cal               Day30: 400cal
Day31:FAST!!



doesnt look too bad right?
i like that i have a guide because with my 1000max limit im like yhh its alright if i eat this...and this...and this...oh forget it..binge.

bad times

anyway i was at work today ll ill and dying of tonsalities(the throat thing) im literally like all looking dodgy and out of any day or anytime to come in...my new sexy manager comes in :S why?!! why me??!! whyyyyyyy :'( he saw me all ill and dying and ahh he must thing im a hobo definetly lool

i saw him on facebook but i was like allow that ive met him like once..how eager would i look seriously i need to stop my facebook stalking Ha!

anyway girlies i hope your all good :)
and healthy and skinny and Beautiful :)

love to you all

xxx

Im Sorry :/

What a horrible human being!!
im so sorry for been ghost but uni started and its been non stop :'(

im goin uni 9-4 everyday working 6-10 two evenings and 9-9 on sundays and gym whenevr possible...
Seriously im dead!!

been living off ProPlus and i was losing
I lost like 5lbs on that jenny craig bulls#%& but im so busy i was eating when i got in at night and too tired to refuse a takeaway...like everyday

Seriously what a tramp!
aghh i hate my weak self

But on a good note coming back on here and catching up with the lovely bloggers has made me relise that i should be no.1 in my priorities list....
Theres no point of living this hectic life fat!
Lool i chat s%&* i know but im high and waffleing

Anywayzz
News!!
*i got some sexxxxyyyy new manager...like OMG i want to die when i see him like seriously the eyecandy is unbearable!! i want him in my bed NOW (slut) !!
*the boy asked me to move in with him?!! sorry what?!
yes he asked if we could move in together...ermm

*Weight Issues*
sexxy manager off till the 20th
CW-a disguisting 11st....err
'Realistic' GW-10st 5lbs
MY GW-9st 10lbs

A pound a day isnt impossible isit??
Neway my lovelies i shall be back very soon
Hope your all well And beautiful

Remeber-Saying No To That 'Snack' Is The Start To Something Beautiful!!

*mwah*

Anotherrrr Diet?!

Hello My Lovelies :)

So been extremely busy because of uni starting !
Ahhhhh im excited
But scared lol

Anywayss il be fine finally im not gonna be at home eating like a *Fatty*

So i got some news ;)
And questions .....

Have any of you heard of the 'jenny craig' diet??
Basically its like diet chef they send all the things you need to eat pre packed pre cooked and ready to eat..
Its like super expensive literally i dont even want to say...
But you get a consultation, weight plan, your own 'councellor' and pretty much pointless things
But
Anyway jus wondering if any of you have tried it or know anyone that has becausr i hadnt eaten for like a week maybe and lost a WHOLE nothing........seriously i was upset :'(

so now that ive moved out my mum was like "hey you dont know how to cook why dont you try this" so i did
Plus the food packs are quite big like seriously its much more than what i eat now

So anyway lets see how i do and im sure a post will come up like "omg i love/hate this"

Lol

Wish me luck
And i hope all you girlies are staying strong and beautiful

X
*_-_-*Comment Replies*-_-_*

*Ell*
i took your advice its so easy to just say yeah i ate blah blah blah just gotta tell them what they wanna hear lol thanks hunnie x

Can I Ever Get Her Back..

Hey Guys..
So something bad happened my friends would always joke about my not eating...but theyre really starting to annoy me now

They keep going on about it and telling me 'if you want to loose weight why dont you.....'
like seriously! i hate when people bring all that healthy bs to me like i havnt tried it already!!

then they say 'starving doesnt work'

it does it 100% works i know for a fact...

I know i sound like a bitch and theyre 'only trying to help' but i cant handle this..

I havnt lost in a month..i havnt gained in a month
My skins f@#&*#, my belly constantly hurts..im sleepy im adj'd and literally just want to stay in bed forever....

I need mia back to tell me im doing the right thing

Love all you skinnies xxxxx

Having The Future Talks..

Heyyy :)

So i was talking to my "friend" about my plans of how im gonna go about uni and what im going to do when i have to move to norwich and as we're on the same course he decided to share too

and ohno..

he said this lame thing about how he thinks itd be a good idea if we move in together to save money ¬ ¬ lol

then we started talking about whats going to happen after we finish in 2years

he wants to come back to london eventhough we have the option of staying up there to work with KLM
i want to stay incase i cant get a job back in london and then im stuck in that endless jobless graduate circle

we sat in silence
we both knew what was going to happen
but we didnt want to admit it

its weird now that hes not my official boyfriend i felt like i had no right to tell him hes right or wrong
it hurt to know that he was so adamant and didnt jus say its ok il stay with you

im such a selfish cow

all i said was "well you know we're not long term anyway"
BITCH
all he said was "i'll love you forever no matter what you know"
                                                                    X                                                                   

The Weight Issues
Haven't really weighed myself since me and the boy started talking again i dont feel like ive gained but i dont think ive lost

Best to maintain rather than gain though aye?

Weighed myself this morning 67.4kg
Not Good..
But I Will Get To 60kg By 20thSept :)


x_-_-*Comment Replies*-_-_x

Lilah Lee-i hate how boys can eat literally everything and not have to worry about gaining weight :( my friend eats ALL the time and hes skinny as ever im so jel lol i annoy him saying hes skinny but i love the way he is...muscley and defined bt skinny not like the hulk lol x

Erm..

Ok guys honestly speaking..

What do you think of these pictures?

Do you think boys look good skinny?
what type of boys do you go for?

would you want a boyfriend that had an ed?

random i know but ive just been thinking...

Ive missed you all :(
Sorry ive been a ghost
Been working like a slave and sleepin when im not

Thank you so much for your comments..
You lot are THE bestest
I appreciate your comments so much like honestly each one makes me smile :)

x

And The Pain Goes On..

How life has changed
How my life has changed
Its unbelievable

I want to run and start a new life
I want to stay and be strong

I love my family and friends
I hate myself

Apparantly you cant love anyone before you love yourself...
So what am i a hypocrite?

Because im fat and disguisting
I cant look at myself in the mirror
I dont want to leave the house

I hate myself!
So do i really..maybe..possibly..
Hate everyone ?

Fat Causes So Many Problems Half Are Only Health The Other Half Are Emotional Physical And Mental..

Someone Help Me..

These Streets Of Mine...

As i drive through my area all
I see is darkness and sadness.
In a matter of days London has been broken.
Apparently the end is near..
Apparently theres a revolutuon..

My areas have been locked down
Work got shut down
Sirens everywhere

Fear is such a small word right now
Im really scared

Bt im angry who are these people
Why are they allowed to ruin our areas
They say "Fuck The Police"
Then why not petrol bomb a police station
Why are they ruining shops and peoples houses?
because theyre mindless thugs!

and i just binged..

He's Laying Next To Me..

as i lay here with the love of my life next to me i should be happy
as i lay here with the love of my life next to me i should feel perfect
but
as i lay here with the love of my life next to me i dont feel happy or perfect

i want to get up and purge
i want to take laxatives and hurt
i want to weigh 65kg before i go sleep
but
i want to not care about my weight and be happy and perfect

the only thing i want to do is get up and eat to stop my belly rumbling
the only thing i want to do is get up and not care about eating late
but
the only thing i can to do is lay here, hungry pretending to be happy and perfect...because one day i will be


x  :(   x

Help Please

:'(

oh guys im a failure..
I have good ane bad news..

*Good News*
we had the talk
He got all emotional and said he loved me...

*Bad News*
ive gained 5lbs!!
im happy im inlove and that means goin out for dinner/lunch/cinema..
Aghh i dont kno what to do i hate myself i hate my face my body and my life!

i love him i love him so much bt he js eata and eats and im obv the weakest person in the world....restricting then fasting fuck it

Im done with this fat
Im done with waiting for mia to come back
Im done with it all

Skinny me here i come!!

x :) x

For God Sake....

Ahh My Life Is Annoying Me...

So Im Like £900 overdraft
And my job try pay me £860 after i slave like f@#% for them?!

aghh im gna hav to live on my overdraft till my student loan comea through but how annoying seriously?!
My mother keeps calling me a tramp because im in debt..my own mother??

after i had to go overdraft because i paid HER bills...yet she no denies it and says that what kind of person am i asking her for money back?!

seen..
After all i was tryna do wss explain to her the reason why im overdraft..seriously why do parents never listen

Im so annoyed..i havnt eaten all day jus sippin on a coke now because i swear im gonna fall asleep at work

I dont even care if i have no money=no food=skinny me!

so its kool beans i guess..

Neway hes started stayin round now which means my attempts at trying to purge again are not gonna happen..

Mia's abandoned me :(
bt i dont care its better atleast now i dont binge now i can jus never eat and be happy :)

love you all

Remember-if foods the problem, eating is not the solution x

x :/ x

/#&%**#&&*

AGH...
im the fattest stupidest weakest person..
back to 67kg!!
aghh my clothes are tight my skin is horrid
I hate myself and this stupid fat

Why can i not stop eating
Why can i not say no
Why can i not be skinny

The boy makes her go away
Mia leaves me shes gone
I no longer feel hunger
I no longer feel belly aches
I no longer purge

And i hate it
Im full up all the time
That disguisting feeling of eating too much is all i feel

Mia please come back
Help me again
Help me be skinny
Help me take control again

Thinspo Be My Love Again...

Could i ever Be Happy, InLove And Skinny?

But Really Being Skinny Is Happiness And I Will Find Love So Sacrifices Have To Be Made I Will Be Skinny I Will Loose Min 4lbs A Week I Dnt Care Hw But I Will

* :/ *

Finally

So im sorry that ive been a ghost
X

But i finally moved in yaaay
Well i still hv to unpack bt yaay lool

The girls seem really nice and theyre on a 'diet' which they broke in like 5hours bt still theyre lack of self control helps me carry on my war with this b*&%# of a weight

I havnt weighed myself im too scared
I had chinese today with him (he came round to help me move in) i ate as little as possible and filled up on diet coke..
Aghhhh i wna purge so badly bt i cant :'(

ive started to feel hunger again...that satisfing feeling of been empty and knowing that my bodys eating itself..

Ive been really lightheaded lately too bt i think its cs i dnt eat and just smoke which this may sound weird but i love feeling like this...i like knowing that my bodys struggling because then it will use more fat as energy.

He noticed my weightloss he called me beautiful he hugs me and holds me...he actually can wrap his arms around me now...lool

I will weigh myself tmro and let you know hw badly :( ive been

Remember-only a strong willed person can be beautiful x

x :) x

Atleast Im Loosing Weight Right?

So...
I havent posted in a few days
Terrible person yes
Good excuse? kinda..

Lol ok so we've met up 2times again..already? Yes..

We Went cinema nd watched hangover 2..well tried to he kept stroking my arms..my legs...kissing me and omg the tension ws unbearable...
No we didnt hav sex in the cinema !

But we wanted eachova and even the next day we planned and booked hotel again for the 22nd which is years away...

So we met up in my lunch hour..went back to mine and o.m.g i didnt want to go back lol

There is some romance to this by the way lol
He rode his bike to my house nd wen i had to go back i drove back...he text me sayin im mean bcs i didnt giv him a kiss goodbye :(

and i did feel terrible bt he rode all the way to my workplace jus for a kiss...and it wa raining so much

Aww lool

Anway hes started calling me bbe and txtin me alot...hes really getting to me

I know i never stopped loving him bt he doesnt know that..
I cant tell him yet im still been the mean bitch to him-which may i add he seems to like more..

Well atleast im loosing weight all this "exercise" ive lost another lb :)

i love hw he makes me feel sexy and wanted
But
I miss mia..shes gne..
I actually looked in the mirror and tricked myself into thinking i look good...
I still need to loose..im not there yet
I jus hope i can start purging again

Remember-Love Is Blind It Tricks Us By Makin Us Happy To Jus Break Us x

x :) x

Lol My Life Is Jokess

Hello Hello :)
How is everyone :)

Joke I Know What Your Waitin To Read...why have i gone weird...omg im actually scared to tell you lol

(Slapped Myself)

Ok so i text him saying i had to cancel because i cant stay out...he replied saying thats its ok bt if i cnt stay out do i wna go cinema with him..nd blah blah blah....
I said yes
Took me 2 hours to get ready
I tried on every item of clothing i own
Told my mother a lie and off i went
Ofcourse i was fashionably late..

I got to the cinema and there he was..
Much skinnier but buffer than before..hes obv been working out
and hes tanned...burnt even

I dnt kno hw to say hello so i joke saying why is HE late
He tries to hug me nd i walk on..what a bitch..

It wasnt too bad as we ws in the dark couldnt talk couldnt see each other...he did whisper nd kept tickling me (like wtf am i 5?!) he ws funny tho

He sent me a txt half way thru the film saying we shud stil go hotel...
I say yes bt that i needed to go hme nd get stuff

Film finished
I went home
Met him at hotel

Wasnt as awkward as i thought it would be..
I asked for a drink and looked out the window as i didnt kno wat else to do
He came behind me, hugged me, turnt me around nd kissed me

At that momemt i realised how much i missed his lips his way of kissing me the way he slightly bites my lip
My heart was goin mad...the butterflies in my belly were crazy.

I missed him
I dont hate him
He missed me
He wanted me

And i let him have me...

Oh how i wanted to tell him i still love him..
He kept telling me im beautiful..
He kept kissing me and holding me and looking at me...
Touching my body and telling me he wants me again

And i let him again..and again

We woke up in each others arms
He said im the most beautiful girl in the world..
I didnt want that moment to end

Bt i had to leave i had work at 11..
he begged me not to go he held me and kissed me again

I dropped him home and went work he txt me saying he wants to see me again..i said maybe we spoke all day abwt anything nd everything

And hes just text me sayin 'Im Joking I Luv Yu reli xxxx'

I text bk "luv yu xxx"

And i think i really really do

x :/ x

Hahsudbdvgsjdk

Like The Title Says..Im Feeling So Messed Up Right Now

Like Today Is The Day
The Day
The ACTUAL Day

Omg So I Was Gna Cancel
Then He Text Me..
9am-"hey so i just got back from holiday..we stil meetin tonight? x"

Agh
1) Why Txt Me That Early?! Yes I Was Up Anyway But He Didnt Kno Lol
2)He Text Me As Soon As He Got Off The Plane..Eager Beaver
3)Why Did He Remember?!

I Talk S#*@ I Know Bt Im Jus Adj'd!!

OmgOmgOmg
Well I Lost Anothee lb which ia good/ish..nt enought bt im kool with that :)

countdown:0days!! Todays The Day!!
weight loss:4lbs
Emotion:whahsjsbswh...literally!

x :) x